Tobi's Fairy Tales
by Shira Lansys
Summary: <html><head></head>Tobi decides that Deidara needs a bedtime story, despite the fact that it's not bedtime. And that Deidara doesn't want one. Rated for Hidan in some chapters. Enter this story to read How The Grinch Stole Christmas - Tobi's version! COMPLETE</html>
1. Rapunzel

"_Once upon a time, far, far away there lived poor woodcutter and his wife. The couple loved each other very much and were happy with their simple lifestyle. Soon after they married, the wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl._

"_Behind their plain cottage was a lovely garden, full of beautiful flowers with trees that bowed under the heavy burden of the plentiful fruit. The vegetables that grew there were five times bigger than the vegetables anyone else grew, and they looked so delicious that any passers by stopped to gaze at the splendid vegetables, but no one ever entered the garden because it belonged to a wicked witch. _

"_The woodcutter's wife enjoyed sitting on a chair at the back of the house while she sewed. In summer, when the flowers were blooming and the air was warm, she would take her daughter and sit her on her lap while she worked._

"_The witch saw this one day when she looked across at the house. She saw how happy the woodcutter's wife was, and this made her jealous. Deciding that the cause of the happiness was the beautiful baby the woman held in her arms, the witch formed a plan._

"_That night, under the light of the moon, she cast a spell on the woodcutter's wife. The next morning, when the woman saw the radishes that were growing in the witch's garden, she was overcome by longing. _

"_The woodcutter's wife resigned herself to never being able to eat the radishes. But as the days passed, the longing grew stronger, and the woman grew thinner and sicker. _

"_Now, the woodcutter loved his wife very much, and was very worried by her rapid illness. He questioned her about it. Eventually, the wife admitted that she was sick because she could not eat any of those wonderful radishes that she had seen in the garden opposite. _

"_Realising that those radishes were his wife's last chance, the woodcutter snuck into the witch's garden in the dead of night to steal some. But the witch, who had planned this all along, caught him._

"_The witch cackled when she saw him. "Why do you steal my radishes, young man?" she asked. The terrified young man shook with fear, but stood his ground. _

"_Bravely, the woodcutter said, "I came here because my wife is deathly ill, and if she does not get any of the wonderful radishes that you grow here, she will surely die."_

"_So far the witch's plan was going perfectly. "If that is true, then perhaps I should allow you to take my radishes. But that would not be fair on me. If you take my radishes, what will you give me in return?"_

"_The young woodcutter's shoulders slumped with despair. "Alas," he said sadly, "I am but a poor woodcutter, and have nothing of which I could give you."_

"_The witch pretended to think for some time. Finally, she spoke again. "Maybe there is something you have that I want. If you want to take my radishes, then in return you must give me your child. I will take good care of her, and she will not want for anything."_

"_The man was terrified, both of the witch and of the possibility that his wife would die. But in the end he agreed to the witch's terms. The next morning, the witch came to their house and took the baby girl. _

"_But when the witch returned to her home with the child, she felt none of the happiness that woodcutter's wife had shown. The witch was disappointed, but tended to the chi-"_

"Tobi, why the hell are you reading me this, un?" Deidara asked the masked man.

The blonde was tied up in a kneeling position on the hard wooden floor, struggling with the ropes binding him. Tobi sat cross-legged opposite him, holding a story book.

"Because Deidara-sempai needs a bedtime story."

Deidara cursed Tobi for sneaking up on him and knocking him out. When he had woken up, he had found himself trussed up like this with Tobi reading to him.

He tried to expel some clay from the mouths on his hands so that he could blow Tobi up, only to find that they were sewn shut.

"Tobi, you moron! You've sewn up my hands un! Do you have any idea how painful that will be to undo?"

"It wasn't Tobi, Sempai! Tobi is a good boy! Kakuzu did it!"

"Why would Kakuzu sew up my hands, un?"

"Because Tobi said that he would be a good boy and stop annoying him. Now please be quiet, Sempai, Tobi needs to finish the story."

Tobi was quiet for a moment while he looked for the part he had been reading.

"_The witch was disappointed, but tended to the child nevertheless. She named the child Ra-" _Tobi squinted at the word and tried again, "_Rapun…She named the child Deidara."_

Deidara let out an undignified squawk. "What did you say, un?"

Tobi continued with the story

"_When Deidara was twelve, the witch locked her in a high tower, with no doors or stairs. The only way to get in was through a window at the top of the tower that led to Deidara's room. _

"_Deidara had beautiful golden hair that was so long that it had to be tied up all the time, otherwise it dragged on the ground. _

"_Whenever the witch wanted to go to the top of the tower, she stood underneath the window and cried out: "Deidara, Deidara, let down your golden hair!" And, at the top of the tower, Deidara would proceed to quickly unpin her hair and let it fall to the ground so that the witch could climb up the golden rope." _

"What's this about Deidara?" Itachi stood in the doorway, smirking at the tied-up blonde. Deidara glared at him.

"Hello Itachi-san! Tobi is being a good boy! He is reading Deidara-Sempai a bedtime story!"

"Really? Do you mind if I listen in?" Itachi asked, sensing a good opportunity to make fun of Deidara.

"Of course!" Tobi said, almost bouncing up and down in excitement.

"_Deidara had a lovely voice, and in order to entertain herself, she would sing beautiful songs to pass the time." _

Itachi sniggered at this, making Deidara blush a deep red. He gave Tobi a death glare, but the masked man was to busy reading to notice.

"_One day a handsome prince passed beneath the window and heard Deidara singing. He immediately fell in love with the voice, and vowed to rescue the fair maiden that was trapped in the tower."_

Itachi sniggered again. "Who's your prince Deidara?" He asked mockingly.

Tobi peered at storybook. "It doesn't say…" He said disappointedly. Then he brightened. "Oh well. Looks like Tobi has to choose a prince."

"_Itachi, the prince, looked for a door in the tower, but alas, it was in vain. Finally the noble prince had to accept that there was no way to reach Deidara. _

Now both Deidara and Itachi glared at Tobi. "There is no way that _he_ is my prince, un!" Deidara argued angrily. Itachi just _glared _at him, and it made Deidara shiver. He thanked his lucky stars that he wasn't Tobi.

"_At that moment, the witch came along. Itachi managed to hide just in time. He watched as the witch stood at the base of the tower. _

"_She cried, "Deidara, Deidara, let down your golden hair!" and Itachi watched in triumph as a rope of golden hair was lowered from the window. _

"_The prince waited patiently until the witch had climbed back down again and left before standing at the foot of the tower. _

"_He called up "Deidara, Deidara, let down your golden hair!". Immediately a rope of hair dropped to the ground, and Itachi began to climb. _

"_As soon as the prince climbed through the window, Deidara realised immediately that it wasn't the witch. But Itachi told her of how he had heard her sing and been touched by her beautiful voice. _

"_Itachi thought that Deidara was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, and he fell in love with her. He asked for her hand in marriage and, Deidara, realising that the prince loved her much more than the witch did, agreed. _

"_But the prince could think of no way to get her down from the tower. In the end he left, but he promised to return the next day so he could see his beautiful Deidara again. _

"_And indeed he did. Every day, at sunset, he returned. And every time the witch visited, Deidara said not a word of her secret visitor. That is, until one day she absentmindedly asked the witch: "Why is it that you are slow and heavy when you climb my hair but the prince climbs up so quickly?"_

"_The witch screamed angrily. "You wicked child! You have deceived me!" She grabbed Deidara's hair in a fit of anger and cut it off with a knife._

"_She then took Deidara to a remote part of the forest where she abandoned her to live the rest of her life in loneliness. _

"_That evening Itachi returned to the tower. He called out: "Deidara, Deidara, let down your golden hair!"_

"_When then witch heard this she lowered Deidara's hair. The prince was halfway up when she released the golden rope. Itachi fell, and landed in a bramble bush, but he was not killed, only blinded. He heard the witch's cackling and realised that he had been tricked. _

"_Itachi blindly wandered for many years. Without his sight he could not return to his kingdom, and he believed Deidara to be either dead or lost forever. The prince lived on berries and roots that he found. _

"_One day, he heard by chance, the sound of singing. Recognising the voice, he followed it until he came across Deidara. Deidara was delighted to see the prince again, and wept in joy. Her tears fell upon the blind eyes of the prince. Instantly they healed, and, reunited with his Deidara, Itachi returned to his kingdom where they lived happily ever after. _

"_The end." _

Tobi looked at Itach

* * *

><p>i and Deidara proudly. "See, wasn't Tobi a good story teller?" Deidara glared at him. Itachi, who wasn't happy about being Deidara's prince, also gave him an annoyed look.<p>

"Tobi, you have three seconds. I suggest you run." Itachi said threateningly.

"What? Why?" Tobi asked, confused.

Itachi pulled out a kunai.

"Three…two…one." Itachi said, before cutting the ropes tying up Deidara.

Tobi fled.

"Tobi, you baka! You get back here, un! Just you wait!" Deidara yelled, as he chased after the masked man.

Itachi counted. "One…two…three…four…" The five was drowned out by a loud bang, and Tobi's cries of: "Ahh, Sempai! Watch out! That almost got Tobi's arm!"

Itachi smirked. Deidara would get revenge for both of them.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Would anyone care for another chapter? (Also, this is a repost. My other account has had all the stories removed and I'm moving them here.)**

**Beta: Fillisius B.**


	2. Rumpelstiltskin

"Tobi! Get off me, un!"

"Sorry, Sempai, no can do. It's time fore Tobi to read you your bedtime story again!"

The blonde bomber struggled, but he couldn't throw Tobi off. Soon enough his wrists and ankles were fastened tight with a strong rope once more.

"Kakuzu-san! Can you sew Sempai's mouths up now?" Tobi called out. A tall, intimidating figure entered the room, shooting thick threads at Deidara's hands.

"Kakuzu-teme, you're a traitor, un," Deidara said while glaring at the man. "How would you like to be subjected to Tobi? And leader-sama wonders why I want to remain partners with Sasori-Dana, un. Maybe I should his inflict stories upon yo-mmph" Deidara was cut off as Kakuzu's threads shut his lips up.

"Kakuzu-san, you didn't have to sew up _that_ mouth," Tobi said. "Sempai is allowed to _talk_, Tobi just doesn't want him blowing things up."

"His talking was annoying me."

"Oh, okay then. Would Kakuzu-san like to listen to the story too?"

Kakuzu didn't even grace Tobi with an answer, instead walking out the door.

"Hmm, let's see…How about a story with Kakuzu as a main character?" Tobi asked. Deidara just glared in response, still struggling to escape from the ropes that bound him. But Tobi had done a good job, and so had Kakuzu as Deidara couldn't open _any _of his mouths.

"Goldilocks and the three bears…Sleeping beauty… Oh, what about Rumplestiltskin? Kakuzu-san seems a lot like Rumplestiltskin. Yes, Tobi will read that one."

"_Once upon a time in a land far away there lived a poor __abdomen and his daughter. The man was very vain, and he boasted to all his friends about how great his daughter was. He told many tales about her great beauty and her loveliness in the hope that a wealthy young lad would ask for her hand in marriage._

"_But one day the man took his boasting too far. He claimed that his daughter-" _Here Tobi paused.

"Hey, Sempai, would you like to be the pretty girl again?" He asked. Deidara glared at him before shaking his head furiously. He would have yelled insults at the masked man but he couldn't as his mouth was sewn shut.

"Yeah, Sempai is right. Tobi will make Itachi-san the pretty girl this time.

"_He claimed that his daughter, Itachi, could spin straw into gold. His friends were doubtful, but the man was very convincing, and soon the news had spread: a __abdomen's daughter could spin straw into gold!_

"_Now the man was beginning to realise that his boast might have been a bad idea, but he couldn't admit to having lied without losing face. So he allowed the rumours to spread. _

"_The story was spread throughout the kingdom until it reached the ears of the king himself. When the king heard this remarkable tale, he was astounded. "Why, this is amazing!" He exclaimed. "If this remarkable girl really can spin straw into gold, then I will marry her, and make her my Queen!" _

"_And so the poor girl was taken to the palace, where she was put in a room containing only a spinning wheel, and a few bundles of straw. As the king locked the door, he told her, "You have until morning to spin that straw into gold. But if you fail, you shall die."_

"_As the door clanged shut behind her, Itachi burst into tears. "Oh no," she wailed, Whatever shall I do? I am not able to spin straw into gold! I will surely die!"_

"_Then, in a puff of smoke, a little man appeared. "What is the matter?" He asked. Sobbing, the girl explained her impossible task._

"_The little man laughed at her predicament. "But that is easily solved," he said. "If you give me something of yours - say that gold ring there - then I will happily spin this straw gold for you._

"_The man knew that the gold he would spin wasn't real gold, but it would be similar enough to fool the king. The greedy little man knew that the ring was worth much more than the trick gold that he would spin. _

"_Itachi was only too glad to make the exchange, and long before sunrise, the little man had done as he had promised, and disappeared. _

"_The king was delighted when he saw the gold thread, and immediately wanted more. He decided he would trick Itachi into spinning more straw. "I am not convinced. If you do this twice more then we can be certain that this wasn't a trick." _

"_The next night, the little man returned. Once again, he spun straw into gold-looking thread, this time in return for a valuable necklace. The king once again was pleased, and demanded that it be done a third time._

"_That night, however, Itachi had nothing valuable left to give. The strange little man thought for a time. "I know!" He said. "When you are Queen, you must give me your firstborn child. People will pay a lot for the child of royalty."_

"_Itachi was desperate, so she agreed to the little mans demands. Once again, by the time the king arrived in the room, all the straw had been turned into gold. He still didn't know that he had been tricked, and he married Itachi within the month; and so the plain miller's daughter became Queen Itachi. _

"_Time passed, and Itachi soon forgot about her promise. She was delighted when she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl; her firstborn. _

"_One night the little man appeared once more. "I have come for your firstborn," He told the queen._

_Itachi begged him to reconsider offering him jewels and tittles, but the man was adamant. He knew that the son of a King was worth more than what the queen could give him. Finally, he grew tired of Itachi's weeping, and decided to play a game. _

" "_Alright then, you have one chance. I will go home tonight, and I will come back tomorrow night, at which time you can attempt to guess my name. At sunrise I will leave again. I will do this for three nights, and when those three nights is up, if you have not guessed my name, then I shall take your child _and _all the jewels you offered me."_

"_Itachi had no choice. For the next two nights she guessed all the names she could think of, but to no avail. On the third day, she was desperate; she new no more names. _

"_But late that afternoon a soldier came to her to tell her of a strange story. He said that he had been walking through the forest early that morning when he had seen a strange little man dancing around a campfire singing. He had sung _

"_The queen will give her jewels to me,  
>Along with her new born ba-aaby,<br>She will never win my game,  
>For Kakuzu is my name."<em>

"_Queen Itachi was ecstatic. That night, when the little man returned, the queen pretended to still be clueless about his name. "Hmm, let me see…Is it Takeo?" the man shook his head. "What about Ao? No? Then…I don't suppose that it would be…Kakuzu?" _

"_Kakuzu was dumbfounded. In his rage, he stamped his foot, but he was too strong. His foot went right through the floorboard, and was never seen again."_

"What was that about me?" Kakuzu asked. Tobi jumped.

"Ahh, it was nothing, Kakuzu-san. Tobi is a good boy, Tobi would never say anything about you." He waved his arms around in a panic, almost hitting the tied-up Deidara as he did so.

"Good. I am just here to tell you that you might want to un-sew Deidara, Tobi. I might have accidentally used my new poison-threads that I have been working on. You should see Sasori about that…I haven't perfected them, so I don't have a cure…"

And with that, he uncaringly walked out of the room, leaving a panicking Tobi and Deidara inside. He heard Deidara yell at him, as Tobi unstitched the bombers mouth, "What do you mean, poisoned, un? Am I going to die?"

"I wish," the Rumpelstiltskin-stand-in muttered.


	3. Jack And The Beanstalk

"Please, Konan, please! It'll be fun, I promise!" Tobi whined.

Konan looked at Tobi doubtfully, and then around at the faces of the majority of her fellow Akatsuki members. Their expressions ranged from annoyed, to amused, to thoroughly peeved off (this last one was especially true for Deidara, who was once again forcibly restrained).

"Fine," she sighed, resigned. It would only take ten minutes at most, anyway. How bad could it be?

She joined the group gathered around the rarely-used Akatsuki fireplace. The S-ranked criminals usually worked in the reasonably sized, more comfortable area when they were sick of the confines of their individual rooms.

Now they were gathered here to listen to Tobi's latest fairytale. Well, some of them were. The others just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Kakuzu was experimenting with his threads again; causing Deidara to look at him rather suspiciously (it had taken Sasori quite a while to find an antidote for the poison on the threads, and Deidara wasn't in any hurry to repeat that experience.) Kakuzu didn't seem to be paying the least attention to what was going on around him.

Kakuzu's partner, Hidan, was lounging around loudly, purely because he was too lazy to move off the couch he was occupying. This wasn't unusual, and, although it was a bother when he swore at everyone in sight just because he felt like it, the other members of the Akatsuki had long since learned to ignore him.

Itachi was sitting a comfy armchair, and seemed the only one who was actually looking forwards to the story (Konan imagined that he hadn't had much of a childhood). His partner, Kisame, also looked slightly intrigued, although it was far more likely that he was here simply because Itachi was, and had no one to train with if the Uchiha wasn't available.

Pein was hunched over a small wooden desk in the corner, scanning papers and budgets and missions like the workaholic he was. Although it looked like he was taking the advice Konan had given him several days ago and gotten out of "that dingy office of his". Konan was tempted to point out that it didn't count if he was still doing work, but it was a start, right?

Sasori was fiddling with another puppet of his - a common pastime that everyone was used to, much like Hidan's annoying personality. He was currently working on what appeared to be an arm of some sort, but you never could tell until it was finished. Konan also didn't like the look of the various bottles of poison that was surrounding him.

And as for Zetsu…well, no one ever knew what he was doing. He had shut himself off to the outside world by closing the leaves over his head, although Konan noticed that he sometimes opened them slightly to peak out.

"Is everyone ready for story time?" Tobi asked excitedly as he ushered Konan to a seat by the bound Deidara. There was no reply except for a "hn" from Itachi, but Tobi seemed to take everyone else's silence as confirmation.

"Okay then! I'm going to read Jack and the Beanstalk! Except it will now be called "Jack and the Zetsu!" Isn't that awesome!" Tobi beamed brightly at Zetsu as he said this, who peaked out from behind his leaves.

"No way." Zetsu said bluntly. Tobi's grin faltered.

"Aw, be a good sport, Zetsu-san. Or should I say be a good sprout!" Tobi giggled at his not-so-amusing joke. He was the only one who did.

Zetsu glared, and although it was usually hard to read his expression as his face was…well, not normal, he tended to give out this "I like to eat people and you are next on my list" vibe that got his point across pretty well.

Tobi looked nervous at this, but he wasn't giving up his story time that easily.

"Please, Other-Half-Of-Zetsu?" Tobi begged the black half (which was the half that hadn't spoken yet). The black half remained silent.

"Please, please, please, please!" Tobi begged again. "Wouldn't you just love to hear a story! Everyone loves fairytales, right?"

Half of Zetsu shrugged, his eyes fixed on the masked man. "It might be fun…" He said hesitantly. Zetsu's white side seemed to take offense at this.

"No! We are _not _being a beanstalk!" He insisted. The black half shrugged.

"Why not? I want to hear a fairy tale, and I think it is cool that we are part of it. Please? Just this once?"

The white half of Zetsu paused for a moment, before giving a resigned sigh.

"Alright," he told Tobi. "Carry on with the story."

Tobi grinned happily. "Thank you, both halves of Zetsu!" he exclaimed, before beginning.

"_Once upon a time there was a poor boy called Jack, and his mother," _Tobi said, and then he paused.

"Who will be Jack?" He asked. He looked around the Akatsuki members, who all immediately pointed to someone else, except for Deidara, who couldn't. As this left him relatively helpless, almost everyone pointed to him, with the exception of Sasori, who was busy, and Konan, who pointed at Hidan.

"Deidara it is!" Tobi exclaimed cheerfully, much to Deidara's dismay. This was made up for somewhat when Tobi added, "And Hidan can be Jack's - I mean Deidara's - mother."

This caused Hidan to sit up in outrage, and the rest of the Akatsuki to break out in sniggers that made them sound like they were a bunch of school children rather than an organised, S-rank criminal organisation.

"What the fuck!" Hidan exclaimed. "There's no way in hell that I am being that shit's mother!"

Konan whispered behind her hand to Pein, "I noticed that he only objected to being Deidara's mother, and not some grumpy old lady." Luckily Hidan didn't hear her.

"Language, Hidan," Tobi said haughtily, before glancing down at the book he held. Deidara wondered why he even bothered to have it. It seemed pointless due to the fact that Tobi modified the story so much.

"_Once upon a time there was a poor boy called Deidara and his mother called Hidan," _Tobi began again. Hidan let out a string of swearwords as his name was mentioned, but ceased quickly when Kakuzu threatened to sew his mouth shut like he had Deidara's. If there was anything that Hidan prized more than his religion, then it was his ability to talk (and, of course, to swear).

"_Deidara and Hidan were very poor. They lived in a tiny house and all they owned was some sparse furnishings and a cow. _

"_One day Deidara's mother said to him, "Deidara, my son, we no longer have enough money to feed ourselves. We shall have to sell our cow. I want you to take her to the market and sell her for the highest price you can get."_

"_Deidara agreed to do this, and the next morning he set out to the market. On his way, he met a small, eccentric-looking man. _

"_The man inquired politely as to where Deidara was going. When he heard that he was travelling to the market, he exclaimed: "Why go all that way to sell your cow when I can offer you seven magic beans in exchange! Then you can go straight home and tell your mother of the bargain you got!"_

"_Deidara was delighted to have some magic beans, and readily accepted. But when he got home, Hidan was furious. "You foolish boy!" She screamed at him. "You have been tricked, and know we are even poorer than we were before!" And with that, she grabbed the handful of beans and threw them out the window. _

"_Deidara went to bed hungry that night, but while he was asleep something very unusual happened outside. _

"_When Deidara awoke the next morning he found a huge beanstalk," _Tobi paused. "Uh, I mean Zetsu. _When Deidara awoke he found a huge Zetsu outside his bedroom window. It went up and up and up, all the way into the clouds. _

"_Now Deidara was an adventurous boy, and he hastily began to climb the Zetsu, eager to see what was above the clouds. What he found was a giant palace. Curious as to know who lived inside such a marvellous place, he knocked on the door. _

"_The door swung open to reveal," _Tobi paused for a moment, _"a blue haired female ogre the size of a house!" _

Konan sat up in offense. "Are you saying I'm fat!" She exclaimed angrily. Tobi took a nervous step back in the face of her wrath and continued very hurriedly with the story.

"_Uh, the blue haired __ogress, uh," _Tobi quailed again under Konan's glare.

"_Erm, Kisame the __ogress looked down at Deidara with worry." _

Tobi silently congratulated himself for his quick thinking as Itachi sniggered at his partner's horror-struck expression.

"_She wru__ng her hand's on her apron and said "Oh no! You had better run away, little boy. My husband eats little people like you!" _

"_Then all of a sudden booming footsteps echoed all around them and Kisame gasped. "Oh dear! I had better hide you or my husband will eat you!" _

"_Hastily she scooped Deidara up and put him in the oven where he would be hidden. Kisame's husband's voice boomed throughout the castle as he bellowed: _

_Fee, fie, fo, fer,  
>I smell the blood of an Akatsuki member.<br>Be he alive or be he dead,  
>I'll grind his bones to make my bread.<em>

"_Kisame tried to cover up for Deidara. "That's just the smell of your soup cooking, Itachi dear," she said."_

"I do hope that you did not just make me Kisame's ogre husband, Tobi," Itachi said calmly. His tone, however, was dangerous and caused Tobi to gulp in fear.

"Of course not, Itachi-san," Tobi said.

"_Kisame tried to cover up for Deidara. "That's just the smell of your soup cooking, Pein dear," she said."_

"_The giant seemed to believe Kisame, and he shouted "Bring me my purse." Kisame did as she was bid. _

"_The ogre took the purse form his wife and began counting the money, but Pein's eyes grew heavy and he soon fell asleep. _

"_When Deidara heard the snoring, he jumped out from his hiding place and ran to the purse on the table. Picking it up, he clambered as fast as he could climb down the Zetsu. When he reached the ground he showed Hidan what he had got. "Oh well done, Deidara!" She exclaimed. "Now we shall have enough money to feed ourselves for years to come!"_

"_And that night Deidara did not go to bed hungry. _

"_But when he awoke again the next morning, he climbed the Zetsu again, eager for another adventure. He walked swiftly to the giant castle and knocked on the door. It was answered by the Kisame, who said nervously, "I told you my husband eats little people like you. You should run away and never come back._

"_But Deidara wanted to be there when the giant returned again, and he engaged the ogress in a conversation. He kept her talking until once again they heard booming footsteps._

"_Kisame did not want to see Deidara eaten and hastily brought him inside and hid him behind the salt jar. The giant's voice rang out again. _

"_Fee, fie, fo, fer,  
>I smell the blood of and Akatsuki member.<br>Be he alive or be he dead,  
>I'll grind his bones to make my bread."<em>

"_His wife tutted. "Don't be silly, Pein dear, that is just the smell of your bread baking."_

"_Once__ again, Pein believed her. "Bring me hen!" He demanded. Kisame did as she was bid._

"_The ogre took the pure-white hen from his wife and shouted "Lay!" To Deidara's amazement, the hen laid a golden egg. Again and again the hen laid more golden eggs, until there were twelve golden eggs on the table. Pein then fell asleep._

"_When Deidara heard the snoring, he jumped out of his hiding place and snatched up the hen. He then climbed down the Zetsu as fast as he could and delivered the hen to his mother. _

"_Hidan was very pleased with her son. "Now we will have money for the rest of our lives," she exclaimed. _

"_The next morning, Deidara climbed the Zetsu once more. He headed straight for the ogress's house, and when she answered he began to talk to her again. As Deidara had planned, the ogre soon arrived home. _

"_This time Deidara hid behind in a cupboard, as the huge plates he was sitting on began to shake due to the ogre's giant voice booming:_

"_Fee, fie, fo, fer,  
>I smell the blood of and Akatsuki member.<br>Be he alive or be he dead,  
>I'll grind his bones to make my bread."<em>

"_His wife placated him once more, and this time Pein demanded, "Fetch me my golden harp!" _

"_Kisame did as she was bid and set a harp wrought of pure gold with beautiful fine strings down on the table. _

"_Pein boomed out "Play!" And the harp began to play of its own accord. Soon the soothing tune had the ogre asleep. _

"_Once more, Deidara darted out to steal the harp, but as it was lifted from the table it stopped playing. Deidara sprinted for the exit as the giant awoke. _

"_Deidara had a head start, but he was smaller than the ogre and not as fast. Soon Pein's loud footsteps came booming after him, and Pein bellowed "Where's my harp!"_

"_Deidara scrambled down the Zetsu, and when he reached the bottom he screamed for his mother. Hidan came running, and when she understood what was happening she reached for her giant scythe. _

"_Quickly Hidan cut through the Zetsu and Pein fell to his death. The Zetsu never grew again, and Deidara never got hold of anymore magic beans. But Hidan and her son lived in happiness and wealth for the rest of their lives."_

"_The End."_

Tobi looked up proudly from his story. "Wasn't Tobi a good boy," He asked happily. Pein looked slightly disgruntled that he was the ogre, and the same could be said about Kisame. But Itachi looked slightly amused at his partner's indignation.

"Why did I have to be the ogress!" Kisame demanded. Tobi shrugged.

"And what happened to me in the end? Did I get a happy ending? I wasn't even mentioned, was I?"

"I think you might be taking this too seriously, Kisame," Itachi said softly, but everyone could see that he didn't really mind the shark-man's antics. Kisame walked of in a huff, obviously offended by his partner's lack of support. Konan could have sworn he was muttering something about "Unfair treatment of fairytale characters".

"You killed us!" Zetsu's black half exclaimed. Tobi cowered away from the Akatsuki members that were looking at him in a murderous way. Oddly enough, Hidan wasn't one of them. He was too busy explaining to Kakuzu just how awesome he would have been at cutting down "The Zetsu".

"See, this is why we should not be okay with being beanstalks," Zetsu's white half scolded. His black half looked indignant.

"It would have been okay had we not been killed," he argued.

"But we didn't get to kill anyone, or even eat them. Vegetation never gets to do anything fun."

Tobi was taking advantage of Zetsu's distractions to attempt to sneak out. However, Pein noticed this.

"Tobi," he said, in an overly-friendly manner. "How would you like a mission to destroy Iwagakure? It is an extremely important mission, and I think you would be up to its difficulty…"

"Really?" Tobi asked, excited.

"Pein!" Konan hissed. "What are you doing? We need Iwagakure for out next plan to work. And Tobi will get himself killed."

"Very true, Konan, very true."

Konan shook her head as she watched their retreating figures. Poor Tobi, she thought. Although he should have known better than to annoy Leader-sama…


	4. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

"_One day, __walking through a forest of tall trees there was a beautiful young girl with long, golden hair-_

"Hey, Sempai! It's you again! Hm…it says here that your name is Goldilocks. Silly story, everyone knows that Deidara Sempai's name is Deidara."

Deidara, for the first time was not bound by ropes. He wasn't even bound by chains, or any other material commonly used to tie people up so they could endure horrifying torture (as Deidara had for the past three fairytales).

No, Deidara was sitting on the couch, along with the rest of the Akatsuki, _apparently_ listening to the fairytale of his own accord.

But although it might look like as though Deidara was having fun, the truth was that he was not enjoying it at all. The only reason why he appeared willing was because of the tiny strings of chakra that connected Sasori to the blonde.

"Tobi will just take a look at the other characters…Oh! Who wants to be a bear? There are three of them, so there is no need to fight over it!"

The rest of the Akatsuki looked at Tobi sceptically. None of them seemed the least bit anxious to be one of the bears in the fairytale, but then again…from the outside, the Akatsuki looked like a fearsome organization of S-ranked ninja, yet here they were gathering around like a bunch of preschoolers so that they could listen to "Goldilocks and the Three Bears".

Appearances could be deceiving.

"Kakuzu is bear-like," Hidan said. "He's angry, violent, and constantly wants to rip your fucken head off."

"Alright then!" Tobi exclaimed. "Kakuzu can be the papa-bear. Who's going to be the mama-bear?"

There was a moment of silence before Hidan snorted. "What shit's gonna want to be married to _Kakuzu_?" He jeered.

Tobi frowned. "Well, you are his partner, so Tobi thinks that you are the best candidate. Everyone, Hidan's the mama-bear. Who's going to be the baby-bear?"

"Why don't you be someone for once," Itachi suggested reasonably. Tobi looked at the Uchiha as though he was an idiot.

"Don't be ridiculous, Itachi-san!" He said. "Tobi can't be a character, Tobi is the _narrator_! Kisame-san can be the baby-bear."

"Why me?" Kisame protested.

"You are the only one left who won't try to kill him," Itachi said in a bored manner. "You are too soft on him."

"Quiet!" The masked man said. "Tobi is trying to tell a story!"

"_One day, walking through a forest of tall trees there was a beautiful young girl with long, golden hair. She came upon a small cottage on her travels, and decided to enter._

"_She knocked on the door, but no one answered. This was because the bears that lived in the cottage had gone on a walk in order to let their porridge cool._

"_Disregarding the "trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again," sign on the front of the mansion-"_

"I thought it was a cottage, un?" Deidara interrupted.

"Sempai! No talking! See, Kakuzu-san! This is why Tobi wanted you to sew his mouth up!"

"But he is right. You told us it was a cottage, and then you said mansion," Kisame argued. "And the sign didn't sound like something a group of bears would have on their front door. Wouldn't they just eat trespassers?"

Tobi glared at the shark-man. "Who is telling the story, Kisame-san? Now, can Tobi continue?"

"_She broke into the cottage-"_

Deidara whispered to Sasori "See, I told you it was a cottage, un," which Tobi pointedly ignored.

"_By opening the door which was unlocked-"_

"It's not very good security, is it?" Kakuzu pointed out. "They are probably going to get robbed."

"_Kakuzu-san_! Tobi is _trying _to tell a story!

"_By opening the door which was unlocked. The first thing she saw were three steaming bowls of porridge sitting on the table. As she was feeling hungry, Deidara decided to try a spoonful of porridge._

"_But as soon as the spoon of porridge touched her tongue, Deidara spat it out-"_

Hidan hit Deidara on the back of his (or her) head.

"Ouch, un! What was that for!" Deidara exclaimed indignantly.

"Fucken bad table manners," Hidan said. Deidara glared at him angrily.

"Says the person who swallowed a metre long fish whole and then spat the skeleton out into Kisame's face, un!" Deidara shouted. The shark-man winced at the memory.

"_But__ as soon as the spoon of porridge touched her tongue, Deidara spat it out." _Tobi said loudly, drowning out Hidan and Deidara's argument.

"_She exclaimed__: "Ouch! This porridge is too hot!" Before moving onto the next plate. _

_But when she tasted this bowl, she spat it out once again."_

Hidan hit Deidara once again, but was hit in turn by Kakuzu, who said it was "just because he felt like it." Deidara seemed to think that his revenge had been executed, and returned to listening without interrupting the story.

"_Disgusted, she said: "Urgh! This porridge is too cold."_

"_She then moved on to the third bowl, and, after a quick taste announced: "Mmm, this porridge is just right!" before gobbling it all up. _

"That was greedy of you, Deidara-san," Zetsu commented from the other side of the room. It was his black side of course; his white side was still sulking from last time.

"_Then Deidara moved into the lounge, where she found three chairs of different sizes. __She decided to sit down, and jumped up onto the huge chair. "Bother," She said. "This chair is too hard."_

"_Then she moved onto the medium sized chair. "Damn," she said. "This chair is too soft."_

"You're a fussy arsehole, aren't you?" Hidan said to Deidara.

"_Next she moved onto the small chair, which was tiny. But as she sat on it, it let out a loud "crack!" and splintered into a hundred pieces. _

"Haha, Deidara," Hidan said. "You're fat!"

"Take that back, un!" Deidara yelled at him. Hidan only smirked.

"Sempai, pay attention!" Tobi said sternly.

"_Deidara hastened out of the room and climbed the stairs to the bedrooms. Seeing three beds, she decided that she was tired. She climbed into the largest bed. "This bed is too big," she complained. _

"_Then she climbed into the medium sized bed. "This bed is still too big," she said unhappily."_

"_Then she climbed on to the smaller bed, and it was just the right size. But it was so comfortable that she feel asleep immediately."_

"Haha! Lazy ass," Hidan said, kicking Deidara. Deidara would have liked to have said that this was rather hypocritical coming for _Hidan_, but he didn't get a chance because Sasori took the initiative to attach chakra strings to his mouth to prevent him from retaliating.

"_When Kakuzu, Hidan and Kisame got home they immediately saw that there porridge had been disturbed. _

"_Papa-bear was furious. "Someone has been eating my porridge!" He roared. _

"_Mama-bear said in a high-pitched, nasally voice "Someone has been eating _my_ porridge!" _

Hidan interrupted the story to snigger. "Haha, who's the mama-bear?" He laughed. Everyone looked at him strangely.

"You are," Itachi informed him. Hidan swore.

"_And when the baby-bear looked at his empty porridge bowl, he burst into tears. "Waah! Someone has been eating my porridge, and they eated it all up!"_

"I would _never _say eated!" Kisame said, horrified. "Everyone knows that the proper way to say that would be to say "eaten".

"_Once baby bear stopped crying like a little girl," _Tobi continued, "_The three bears moved into the lounge. "Someone has been sitting in _my_ chair? Kakuzu boomed. _

"_Mama bear took one look at her chair and said "Someone has been sitting in _my _chair?"_

"_And baby bear said "Someone has been sitting in my chair, and they broke it!" And then he burst into tears."_

"Why am I always crying in this story?" Kisame complained.

"And why do I never swear, Tobi? Make me swear." Hidan said. Tobi glared at the two.

"You _can't _swear," Tobi told Hidan. "It is a story for children. And you are a cry baby anyway, Kisame."

"_Then they m__oved up to their bedrooms. "Who has been sleeping in my bed?" Kakuzu boomed. _

" "_Who has been sleeping in my bed?" Hidan asked."_

"Tobi, I really think that I should use a few more swear words," Hidan said reasonably. Tobi ignored him.

"_And baby bear began to cry again, saying "Someone has been sleeping in my bed, and she is still there."_

"_At that moment, Deidara woke up to see three gigantic bears standing over her."_

Tobi snapped the book shut. The entire Akatsuki, who were all leaning forwards in their seats, looked confused.

"What? Is that it?" Pein asked, disappointed. "What happens next?"

Tobi shrugged. "Tobi doesn't know. There are too many different versions of the ending, and Tobi wouldn't want to lie to you."

"Well what are some of the endings?' Konan asked impatiently.

"Um, well in some she runs away and never goes into the forest again. Then in another she lives happily ever after with the bears. And in the third the bears rip her open with their sharp claws and eat her alive."

"What!" Konan exclaimed. "And this is a story for children?"

"Which one is the right ending, un?" Deidara asked. He didn't seem to be aware that Sasori had released the chakra strings on him as soon at the story had ended.

"I think it is the one where you got killed," Hidan jeered.

"It is not, un!" Deidara argued. "It is the one where I live happily ever after, isn't it Tobi?"

"Or I bet you ran away," Hidan continued, as though Deidara hadn't said anything. "Everyone knows that you are a chicken."

"I am not, un!"

"Chicken! Chicken!" Hidan began making chicken noises.

Itachi turned to Kisame. "Who would have thought that Deidara would defend his character so passionately? He says he hates the story, but I really doubt that."

Kisame pouted. "I am _not _a cry baby," He said. "I am-"

But whatever Kisame thought he was went unheard, as a loud "BANG" shook the room.

"AHH! YOU FUCKEN BLEW UP MY ARM!"

"Actually, he also got a little bit of your leg there too."

"AHH, YOU FUCKEN BLEW UP MY ARM AND MY LEG!"

"Um, he also got your-"

"Don't tell him Tobi. Let's see how long it takes him to work it out."

"DEIDARA! YOU FUCKEN BLEW ME INTO TWO PEICES!"


	5. The Prince Who Would Seek Immortality

"You do it, Hidan."

"No fucking way. You do it."

"I'll use my sharingan on you."

"I like pain Itachi. There's no shit you can threaten me with."

"No, I mean that I'll put you under tsukuyomi and torture you if you _do_."

"…It's a deal." (1)

Hidan and Itachi were standing in the doorway of Tobi's room, staring at a thick book that rested on Tobi's bedside table. They were poised ready to flee, as though the pair thought that Tobi would catch them at any moment, but they stared at the book with such longing on their faces.

Tobi was away on a mission. He had been gone for two weeks, and wasn't due back for another one. Although no members of the Akatsuki were willing to admit it, they were all impatient to hear another fairytale. However, it appeared that Hidan was more eager than everyone else.

And no one had any idea why Uchiha Itachi did _anything_.

Itachi had found Hidan standing nervously outside the door to Tobi's room. At first, the Uchiha had scorned him for being to chicken to open the door and pushed it open himself, but had then refused to go a step further, despite Hidan's mocking.

Itachi watched Hidan expectantly, but the man (who looked remarkable less threatening without his scythe) still seemed reluctant to follow through with his part of the bargain. The Uchiha began to tap his foot impatiently.

"What are you waiting for, Hidan?" Itachi snapped. Hidan glared at the black-haired man, although it was probably wasted on the Uchiha due to his eyesight (or his lack of it).

"We don't know a fucking thing about Tobi," Hidan said. "Who knows what that idiot could do. He might be a fucking sadistic serial killer for all we know."

"Hidan, you can't be killed and you enjoy pain. How would either of those things make you fear him?"

Hidan didn't answer, but he didn't move forwards either. Nothing happened for a long time, until Itachi broke the silence again.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm looking for a fucking fairytale, aren't I?"

"Which one?"

"The prince who would seek immortality. Why are you here anyway?"

"I like Tobi's fairytales," Itachi replied. Hidan snorted.

"Don't tell me they fucking remind you of your childhood."

"No, when I was a child I wasn't even aware that fairytales existed," Itachi said morosely. "Why are you looking for a particular fairy tale?"

"…It reminds me of my child hood."

Itachi said nothing, and they resumed their silent staring at the book that they longed to read.

Hidan was just about to say something when they heard footsteps coming in their direction. He and Itachi looked at each other for a split second before they rushed into Tobi's room, tumbling over each other. Itachi resisted the urge to slam the door shut, instead letting it click closed quietly. The two Akatsuki members waited with baited breath for the person to pass.

When the footsteps ceased, Hidan breathed a sigh of relief.

"That was fucking close," Hidan breathed. Itachi nodded.

They both turned back to the book.

"You first," Hidan said. Itachi shook his head.

"No, we had a deal. You find your story and read it aloud, and then I will torture you for three days."

Taking a deep breath, Hidan nodded, before stepping towards the bedside table. Then he took another step.

With a third, and last step, he found that he was almost on top of the table. He was so close that he could stretch out his hand and touch the book. Itachi watched in suspense, his eyes wide with anticipation.

Stretching out a hand, he touched the book with the very tip of his finger, before immediately jerking his hand back. He looked somewhat sheepishly at Itachi.

"Nothing exploded," the Uchiha noted. "It might be safe to touch."

Hidan nodded and reached out again. This time he placed his entire hand on the book. When nothing happened, he cautiously grasped it with both hands.

Suddenly there was a loud bang as a door slammed. Even the usually-composed Itachi jumped a mile, and Hidan even let out a small, girlish scream and dropped the book.

"It was just a door," Itachi said, trying to pretend that he hadn't jumped a mile.

"Wow, I never knew that something could ever take you unawares, Itachi," Hidan mocked. "In fact, I would go as far as to say that you were fucking _frightened_, Uchiha."

"Wow," Itachi mimicked condescendingly. "I never knew that you could scream like a little girl. And if you ever tell anyone about that- no, if you ever tell them that I _like _fairytales, then will I tell the entire Akatsuki that you were a ballet dancer before you became an akatsuki member.

"You wouldn't!" Hidan said, aghast. Itachi raised his eyebrow, and Hidan realised that he would.

"Fine," a disgruntled Hidan conceded. "But then you can't admit that either of us snuck in here to read Tobi's book."

"That is agreeable," Itachi said. "Now find that story."

Hidan picked up the book in a much more relaxed fashion. He took a seat on the edge of Tobi's bed (in a remarkably non-dramatic way, considering that it took him half an hour just to enter the room). Itachi sat down beside him.

Hidan thumbed through the pages quickly. It didn't take long before he announced (in what Itachi thought was an entirely too loud voice, given the circumstances) that he had found it. In his excitement, he failed to notice that Itachi's eyes glowed sharingan-red for a moment, before fading back to there original black.

"Then read it!" Itachi said impatiently. "And hurry, before they realise we are missing and come search for us."

"Who the fuck would search for us here?" Hidan jeered, but took Itachi's point and began reading.

"_Once__ upon a time, in the very middle of the middle of a large kingdom, there was a town, and in the town a palace, and in the palace a king. This king had one son whom his father thought was wiser and cleverer than any son ever was before, and indeed his father had spared no pains to make him so. He had been very careful in choosing his tutors and governors when he was a boy, and when he became a youth he sent him to travel, so that he might see the ways of other people, and find that they were often as good as his own."_

"Hey, Itachi, this guy sounds like you a little," someone said from the doorway. The Jashinist and the Uchiha looked up to see a smirking Konan in the doorway.

"I heard voices," she said, by way of explanation. "Do you mind if I listen in?"

"Of course," Itachi said smoothly, ignoring the fact that Hidan looked as though he was about to protest at this. "But I think, given my understanding of the fairy tale, that Hidan would make a far better prince than I would."

"I thought you said that you had never read a fairytale," Hidan said suspiciously. Itachi shrugged.

"And I hadn't. However, I looked into your mind and saw what this tale contains. For example, I know that he will eventually reach the land of immortality after meeting various people along the way who offer him-"

"Don't spoil it for me!" Konan interrupted. Itachi ceased his talking.

Hidan glanced at the Uchiha nervously. "You can't read minds," he said. "It's just a simple party trick."

"No it isn't. You don't know what my eyes are capable of."

"Okay, then what the fuck am I thinking right now?"

"You are thinking, and I quote, "That fucking bastard is fucking with my fucking head."

Hidan gaped at Itachi. "How the fuck did you know that?"

Itachi gave him a condescending look. "I _told _you. I read your mind."

"As lovely as it is to see you old wives bickering," Konan interrupted. "Can you please continue with the story?"

Hidan glared at her. "But he is reading my fu-"

"I don't care what he is doing," Konan snapped. "Get on with it!"

"Fine," Hidan said sulkily.

"_It__ was now a year since the prince-"_

"No," Itachi interrupted. "_You_ are the prince."

"No I'm not," Hidan said. "You heard what Tobi said. The narrator is never the prince."

"Fine," Konan said, snatching the book of him. "I will narrate."

"No!" Hidan snatched the book back. "I want to read."

"Only if you agree to put your name in place of the prince," Itachi said firmly. Hidan shot him a dirty look, but conceded.

"Fine. Can I continue with the story now?"

"Be my guest."

"_It__ was now a year since the Hidan had returned home, for his father felt that it was time that his son should learn how to rule the kingdom which would one day be his. But during his long absence the prince seemed to have changed his character altogether. From being a merry and light-hearted boy, he had grown into a gloomy and thoughtful man. The king knew of nothing that could have produced such an alteration. He vexed himself about it from morning till night, till at length an explanation occurred to him - the prince was in love!_

"_Now__ Hidan never talked about his feelings - for the matter of that he scarcely talked at all; and the father knew that if he was to come to the bottom of the prince's dismal face, he would have to begin. So one day, after dinner, he took his son by the arm and led him into another room, hung entirely with the pictures of beautiful maidens, each one more lovely than the other._

" "_My__ dear boy," he said, "you are very sad; perhaps after all your wanderings it is dull for you here all alone with me. It would be much better if you would marry, and I have collected here the portraits of the most beautiful women in the world of a rank equal to your own. Choose which among them you would like for a wife, and I will send an embassy to her father to ask for her hand."_

"_The prince answered, "Alas!__ your Majesty, it is not love or marriage that makes me so gloomy; but the thought, which haunts me day and night, that all men, even kings, must die. Never shall I be happy again till I have found a kingdom where death is unknown. And I have determined to give myself no rest till I have discovered the Land of Immortality."_

"Could you actually imagine Hidan speaking like that," Konan giggle. The Jashinist glared at her. She shrugged.

"You interrupted all through the last fairytale," she informed him defensively. Hidan continued reading.

"_The__ old king heard him with dismay; things were worse than he thought. He tried to reason with his son, and told him that during all these years he had been looking forward to his return, in order to resign his throne and its cares, which pressed so heavily upon him. But it was in vain that he talked; the prince would listen to nothing, and the following morning buckled on his sword and set forth on his journey._

"_He__ had been travelling for many days, and had left his fatherland behind him, when close to the road he came upon a huge tree, and on its topmost bough an eagle was sitting shaking the branches with all his might. This seemed so strange and so unlike an eagle, that the prince stood still with surprise, and the bird saw him and flew to the ground. The moment its feet touched the ground he changed into a king."_

"Hidan, I don't think that that is actually possible," Itachi informed him. "And don't use so many swearwords when you are thinking. You are befouling my innocent mind."

"Your mind is far from fucking innocent," Hidan informed him, but Itachi was pleased to note that Hidan shuffled further away from him on the bed. In fact, Itachi was _very_ pleased by this; he had been looking for Hidan's week spot ever since the man joined the Akatsuki. It was extremely gratifying to know that he had finally succeeded.

Hidan continued with the story.

"_He asked the prince, "Why__ do you look so astonished?"_

" "_I__ was wondering why you shook the boughs so fiercely," answered the prince._

"Don't forget to insert your name," Itachi reminded him snidely. Hidan ignored him.

" "_I__ am condemned to do this, for neither I nor any of my kindred can die till I have rooted up this great tree," replied the king of the eagles. "But it is now evening, and I need work no more to-day. Come to my house with me, and be my guest for the night."_

"_The__ prince accepted gratefully the eagle's invitation, for he was tired and hungry. They were received at the palace by the king's beautiful daughter, who gave orders that dinner should be laid for them at once. While they were eating, the eagle questioned his guest about his travels, and if he was wandering for pleasure's sake, or with any special aim. Then the prince told him everything, and how he could never turn back till he had discovered the Land of Immortality._

" "_Dear__ brother," said the eagle, "you have discovered it already, and it rejoices my heart to think that you will stay with us. Have you not just heard me say that death has no power either over myself or any of my kindred till that great tree is rooted up? It will take me six hundred years' hard work to do that; so marry my daughter and let us all live happily together here. After all, six hundred years is an eternity!"_

"He isn't using his name!" Konan announced, and snatched the book off Hidan once more. Hidan tried to steal it back, but found his way was guarded by a fire-breathing, paper dragon.

Konan began to read.

"_Ah,__ dear king," replied Hidan, "your offer is very tempting! But at the end of six hundred years we should have to die, so we should be no better off! No, I must go on till I find the country where there is no death at all."_

"_Then__ the princess spoke, and tried to persuade the guest to change his mind, but he sorrowfully shook his head. At length, seeing that his resolution was firmly fixed, she took from a cabinet a little box which contained her picture, and gave it to him saying: "__As__ you will not stay with us, prince, accept this box, which will sometimes recall us to your memory. If you are tired of travelling before you come to the Land of Immortality, open this box and look at my picture, and you will be borne along either on earth or in the air, quick as thought, or swift as the whirlwind._

"_Hidan__ thanked her for her gift, which he placed in his tunic, and sorrowfully bade the eagle and his daughter farewell."_

Suddenly, the dragon bit Hidan.

"Ow!" He exclaimed. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You left rejected the princess, meanie!" Konan told him indignantly.

"I didn't want to be this shitty character, remember!" Hidan said angrily.

"_Never__ was any present in the world as useful as that little box, and many times did he bless the kind thought of the princess. One evening it had carried him to the top of a high mountain, where he saw a man with a bald head, busily engaged in digging up spadefuls of earth and throwing them in a basket. When the basket was full he took it away and returned with an empty one, which he likewise filled. Hidan stood and watched him for a little, till the bald-headed man looked up and said to him: "Dear brother, what surprises you so much?"_

" "_I__ was wondering why you were filling the basket," replied Hidan._

" "_Oh!"__ replied the man, "I am condemned to do this, for neither I nor any of my family can die till I have dug away the whole of this mountain and made it level with the plain. But, come, it is almost dark, and I shall work no longer." And he plucked a leaf from a tree close by, and from a rough digger he was changed into a stately bald-headed king. "Come home with me," he added; "you must be tired and hungry, and my daughter will have supper ready for us." Hidan accepted gladly, and they went back to the palace, where the bald-headed king's daughter, who was still more beautiful than the other princess, welcomed them at the door and led the way into a large hall and to a table covered with silver dishes. While they were eating, the bald-headed king asked Hidan how he had happened to wander so far, and the young man told him all about it, and how he was seeking the Land of Immortality. "You have found it already," answered the king, "for, as I said, neither I nor my family can die till I have levelled this great mountain; and that will take full eight hundred years longer. Stay here with us and marry my daughter. Eight hundred years is surely long enough to live."_

" "_Oh,__ certainly," answered Hidan; "but, all the same, I would rather go and seek the land where there is no death at all."_

"_So__ next morning he bade them farewell, though the princess begged him to stay with all her might; and when she found that she could not persuade him she gave him as a remembrance a gold ring. This ring was still more useful than the box, because when one wished oneself at any place one was there directly, without even the trouble of flying to it through the air. Hidan put it on his finger, and thanking her heartily, went his way._

The dragon bit Hidan again. This time the Jashinist was ready for it, and didn't make a sound.

"_He__ walked on for some distance, and then he recollected the ring and thought he would try if the princess had spoken truly as to its powers. "I wish I was at the end of the world," he said, shutting his eyes, and when he opened them he was standing in a street full of marble palaces. The men who passed him were tall and strong, and their clothes were magnificent. He stopped some of them and asked in all the twenty-seven languages he knew what was the name of the city, but no one answered him. Then his heart sank within him; what should he do in this strange place if nobody could understand anything? _

"_Suddenly his eyes fell upon a man dressed after the fashion of his native country, and he ran up to him and spoke to him in his own tongue. "What city is this, my friend?" he inquired. "__It__ is the capital city of the Blue Kingdom," replied the man, "but the king himself is dead, and his daughter is now the ruler."_

"_With__ this news Hidan was satisfied, and begged his countryman to show him the way to the young queen's palace. The man led him through several streets into a large square, one side of which was occupied by a splendid building that seemed borne up on slender pillars of soft green marble. In front was a flight of steps, and on these the queen was sitting wrapped in a veil of shining silver mist, listening to the complaints of her people and dealing out justice. When Hidan came up she saw directly that he was no ordinary man, and telling her chamberlain to dismiss the rest of her petitioners for that day, she signed to Hidan to follow her into the palace. Luckily she had been taught his language as a child, so they had no difficulty in talking together._

"_Hidan__ told his story and how he was journeying in search of the Land of Immortality. When he had finished, the princess, who had listened attentively, rose, and taking his arm, led him to the door of another room, the floor of which was made entirely of needles, stuck so close together that there was not room for a single needle more._

" "_Hidan,"__ she said, turning to him, "you see these needles? Well, know that neither I nor any of my family can die till I have worn out these needles in sewing. It will take at least a thousand years for that. Stay here, and share my throne; a thousand years is long enough to live!"_

" "_Certainly,"__ answered he; "still, at the end of the thousand years I should have to die! No, I must find the land where there is no death."_

"_The__ queen did all she could to persuade him to stay, but as her words proved useless, at length she gave it up. Then she said to him: "As you will not stay, take this little golden rod as a remembrance of me. It has the power to become anything you wish it to be, when you are in need."_

"_So__ Hidan thanked her, and putting the rod in his pocket, went his way."_

Again the dragon bit Hidan. However, this time the origami creation got a bit too excited, and bit through his windpipe. Konan had to wait for him to finish swearing at the piece of paper before she continued.

"_Scarcely__ had he left the town behind him when he came to a broad river which no man might pass, for he was standing at the end of the world, and this was the river which flowed round it. Not knowing what to do next, he walked a little distance up the bank, and there, over his head, a beautiful city was floating in the air. He longed to get to it, but how? Neither road nor bridge was anywhere to be seen, yet the city drew him upwards, and he felt that here at last was the country which he sought. Suddenly he remembered the golden rod which the mist-veiled queen had given him. With a beating heart he flung it to the ground, wishing with all his might that it should turn into a bridge, and fearing that, after all, this might prove beyond its power. But no, instead of the rod, there stood a golden ladder, leading straight up to the city of the air. _

"_He was about to enter the golden gates, when there sprang at him a wondrous beast, whose like he had never seen. "Out sword from the sheath," cried Hidan, springing back with a cry. And the sword leapt from the scabbard and cut off some of the monster's heads, but others grew again directly, so that Hidan, pale with terror, stood where he was, calling for help, and put his sword back in the sheath again._

"_The__ queen of the city heard the noise and looked from her window to see what was happening. Summoning one of her servants, she bade him go and rescue the stranger, and bring him to her. Hidan thankfully obeyed her orders, and entered her presence._

"_The__ moment she looked at him, the queen also felt that he was no ordinary man, and she welcomed him graciously, and asked him what had brought him to the city. In answer Hidan told all his story, and how he had travelled long and far in search of the Land of Immortality._

" "_You__ have found it," said she, "for I am queen over life and over death. Here you can dwell among the immortals."_

The dragon bit Hidan again. This time he wasn't expecting it, and he let out a yelp.

"What the fuck was that for?" He asked. "I didn't fucking reject her that time!"

"Yes, but you are only with her because she made you immortal," Konan said. "You shouldn't use woman like that; it's disrespectful, isn't it Itachi?"

"Oh yes, immensely disrespectful," Itachi agreed (which was hypocritical of him seeming as he killed his girlfriend when he killed his clan). Hidan glared at him.

"_A__ thousand years had passed since Hidan first entered the city, but they had flown so fast that the time seemed no more than six months. There had not been one instant of the thousand years that Hidan was not happy till one night when he dreamed of his father and mother. Then the longing for his home came upon him with a rush, and in the morning he told the Queen of the Immortals that he must go and see his father and mother once more. The queen stared at him with amazement, and cried: "Why, Hidan, are you out of your senses? It is more than eight hundred years since your father and mother died! There will not even be their dust remaining."_

" "_I__ must go all the same," said he._

" "_'Well,__ do not be in a hurry," continued the queen, understanding that he would not be prevented. "Wait till I make some preparations for your journey." So she unlocked her great treasure chest, and took out two beautiful flasks, one of gold and one of silver, which she hung round his neck. _

_Then she showed him a little trap-door in one corner of the room, and said: "Fill the silver flask with this water, which is below the trap-door. It is enchanted, and whoever you sprinkle with the water will become a dead man at once, even if he had lived a thousand years. The golden flask you must fill with the water here," she added, pointing to a well in another corner. "It springs from the rock of eternity."_

"_Hidan __thanked the queen for her gifts, and, bidding her farewell, went on his journey. __He__ soon arrived in the town where the mist-veiled queen reigned in her palace, but the whole city had changed, and he could scarcely find his way through the streets. In the palace itself all was still, and he wandered through the rooms without meeting anyone to stop him. At last he entered the queen's own chamber, and there she lay, with her embroidery still in her hands, fast asleep. He pulled at her dress, but she did not waken. Then a dreadful idea came over him, and he ran to the chamber where the needles had been kept, but it was quite empty. The queen had broken the last over the work she held in her hand, and with it the spell was broken too, and she lay dead._

"_Quick__ as thought Hidan pulled out the golden flask, and sprinkled some drops of the water over the queen. In a moment she moved gently, and raising her head, opened her eyes._

" "_Oh,__ my dear friend, I am so glad you wakened me; I must have slept a long while!"_

" "_You__ would have slept till eternity," answered Hidan, "if I had not been here to waken you."_

"_At__ these words the queen remembered about the needles. She knew now that she had been dead, and that Hidan had restored her to life. She gave him thanks from her heart for what he had done, and vowed she would repay him if she ever got a chance._

"_Hidan took his leave, and set out for the country of the bald-headed king. As he drew near the place he saw that the whole mountain had been dug away, and that the king was lying dead on the ground, his spade and bucket beside him. But as soon as the water from the golden flask touched him he yawned and stretched himself, and slowly rose to his feet. "Oh, my dear friend, I am so glad to see you," cried he, "I must have slept a long while!"_

"_You__ would have slept till eternity if I had not been here to waken you," answered Hidan. And the king remembered the mountain, and the spell, and vowed to repay the service if he ever had a chance._

_Further__ along the road which led to his old home Hidan found the great tree torn up by its roots, and the king of the eagles sitting dead on the ground, with his wings outspread as if for flight. A flutter ran through the feathers as the drops of water fell on them, and the eagle lifted his beak from the ground and said: "Oh, how long I must have slept! How can I thank you for having awakened me, my dear, good friend!"_

"_You__ would have slept till eternity if I had not been here to waken you"; answered Hidan. Then the king remembered about the tree, and knew that he had been dead, and promised, if ever he had the chance, to repay what Hidan had done for him._

"It's a bit repetitive, isn't it?" Konan observed.

"_At__ last he reached the capital of his father's kingdom, but on reaching the place where the royal palace had stood, instead of the marble galleries where he used to play; there laid a great sulphur lake, its blue flames darting into the air. How was he to find his father and mother, and bring them back to life, if they were lying at the bottom of that horrible water? _

"_He turned away sadly and wandered back into the streets, hardly knowing where he was going; when a voice behind him cried: "Stop, prince, I have caught you at last! It is a thousand years since I first began to seek you." And there beside him stood the old, white-bearded, figure of Death. Swiftly he drew the ring from his finger, and the king of the eagles, the bald-headed king, and the mist-veiled queen, hastened to his rescue. In an instant they had seized upon Death and held him tight, till Hidan should have time to reach the Land of Immortality. But they did not know how quickly Death could fly, and Hidan had only one foot across the border, when he felt the other grasped from behind, and the voice of Death calling: "Halt! Now you are mine."_

_The__ Queen of the Immortals was watching from her window, and cried to Death that he had no power in her kingdom, and that he must seek his prey elsewhere._

" "_Quite__ true," answered Death; "but his foot is in my kingdom, and that belongs to me!"_

" "_At__ any rate half of him is mine," replied the Queen, "and what good can the other half do you? Half a man is no use, either to you or to me! But this once I will allow you to cross into my kingdom, and we will decide by a wager whose he is."_

"_And__ so it was settled. Death stepped across the narrow line that surrounds the Land of Immortality, and the queen proposed the wager which was to decide Hidan's fate. "I will throw him up into the sky," she said, "right to the back of the morning star, and if he falls down into this city, then he is mine. But if he should fall outside the walls, he shall belong to you."_

"_In__ the middle of the city was a great open square, and here the queen wished the wager to take place. When all was ready, she put her foot under the foot of Hidan and swung him into the air. Up, up, he went, high amongst the stars, and no man's eyes could follow him. Had she thrown him up straight? The queen wondered anxiously, for, if not, he would fall outside the walls, and she would lose him for ever. The moments seemed long while she and Death stood gazing up into the air, waiting to know whose prize Hidan would be. Suddenly they both caught sight of a tiny speck no bigger than a wasp, right up in the blue."_

By this time, Konan was literally jumping up and down (which meant that, as she was the narrator, the story was interrupted slightly).

"Come one Hidan, land straight!" She yelled at him, and her dragon, in his excitement, accidentally set Tobi's wardrobe on fire.

"_Was he coming straight? No! Yes! But as he was nearing the city, a light wind sprang up, and swayed him in the direction of the wall. Another second and he would have fallen half over it, when the queen sprang forward, seized him in her arms, and flung him into the castle. Then she commanded her servants to cast Death out of the city, which they did and he never dared to show his face again in the Land of Immortality."_

"Is that it?" Itachi asked. "It wasn't a very satisfactory ending, was it?"

"I fucking loved that tale when I was a kid!" Hidan exclaimed, offended.

"I know you did," Itachi smirked. He tapped his head mockingly.

"Stop that! You can't read my mind."

"Yes I can. How else would I know about…" Itachi sneaked a sidelong glance at Konan, before doing mouthing the word "ballerina" at Hidan. Konan looked confused, but Hidan looked terrified.

"Get the fuck out of my head!" He yelled. "Get out! Get out!"

He banged his head against the wall beside him, as though he hoped that Itachi would leave.

"Are you out?" He asked hopefully.

"No."

Hidan swore and stalked out of the room, undoubtedly thinking profanities at Itachi. Konan watched on, amused.

"You can't really read his mind, can you," she asked Itachi. The Uchiha shook his head.

"How did you know what was in the story?"

"I read it with my sharingan while he wasn't looking."

"How did you know what he was thinking?"

"Hidan is predictable."

"How did you know that he did ballet?"

"Konan, _everyone _knows that Hidan did ballet. It's just fortunate for me that Hidan himself doesn't know that."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So what did you think? This was the hardest chapter yet, probably due to the fact that I had never read "The Prince Who Would Seek Immortality" before. By the way, the fairy tale was requested by **_**Azelf1717. **_**I hope that you liked it!**

**(1) I am aware that Hidan doesn't actually like pain when he doesn't share it with his victim, but I decided that this didn't matter as most people don't realise this.**

**Plot-Bunny-Helper: Filisius B**

**Beta: BoulderKuzon, **


	6. Cinderella

**A/N:**** I just want to inset a note here. I LOVE YOU GUYS! ALL OF YOU! SERIOUSLY! I GOT FIFTEEN REVIEWS! It was so exciting!**

**Fairytale dedicated to and requested by: ****AkAtSuKiClOuD**** and ****narutofweak**

A blur of bright, fluorescent pink caught Deidara's eye, distracting him from the clay model he was working on. He ground his teeth, but decided that he would ignore it.

As the blonde shaped the beak on the bird, a flash of pink he saw out of the corner of his eye distracted him again. Deidara growled under his breath when he realised that he had accidentally put the beak on wonky because of this. He corrected his mistake, and attempted to ignore the offensively bright once more.

However, when the blonde bomber saw the annoying colour out of the corner of his eye once more (causing him to snap the leg he had been working on), he sat bolt upright.

"Tobi!" He exclaimed, annoyed. "Either stop dancing around like a moron, or _take of that ridiculous, pink outfit!_"

The last part of Deidara's command came out more forcefully that the rest of his sentence, and Tobi stopped his enthusiastic movements in order to look at his sempai, baffled.

"But Sempai," Tobi said innocently. "Doesn't Sempai like what Tobi's wearing?"

Even for Tobi, that was a ridiculous question. The masked man was dressed in a pink mini-skirt, wearing a pink singlet t-shirt, covered by a pink, fluffy, jersey. Around his neck was a sparkly pink scarf, and a pair of pink mittens draped around his neck had been forsaken only due to the fact that it was the middle of summer and the room was stifling.

Even his normally orange mask had pink stripes painted on it. It was obvious, Deidara thougt, that the idiot had done them himself - it looked like he had at first tried to follow the curves on the mask, and then given up and just gone straight.

And although Tobi's feet were hidden by the pot-plant that he was standing behind (no one except Zetsu actually knew why the pot-plant was there), Deidara was willing to bet that he was wearing something pink on his feet as well.

"Why," Deidara ground out through gritted teeth, "Are you wearing _that?_"

Tobi jumped up and down excitedly. "Because Konan-chan and Hidan-san and Itachi-san set fire to Tobi's wardrobe!"

Deidara raised his eyebrow, torn between interest and annoyance. "Why did they do that? And why would you decide to wear _that _instead of just buying new clothes?"

"Tobi doesn't know why Tobi's wardrobe was set on fire. Itachi-san wouldn't tell Tobi. And Tobi _did _buy new clothes. Tobi bought these!"

"Why couldn't you buy normal clothes?" Deidara complained. "What was wrong with an Akatsuki cloak?"

"Well, first Tobi was going to use Konan-chan's clothes because it was her who set all Tobi's clothes on fire, but when Tobi looked through Konan-chan's wardrobe, Tobi couldn't find anything pink. Konan-chan is a girl, so Konan-chan should have lots of pink, but Konan-chan didn't, so Tobi asked Leader-sama why. Leader-sama said it was because Konan-chan wasn't the type of person to wear pink. And when Tobi asked why that was, Leader-sama said it was because nobody else did. So Tobi has decided to wear pink so that Konan-chan will!"

"Tobi…" Deidara said slowly, still processing the long-winded explanation. The masked man looked up at the blonde like a puppy dog would look at someone who was holding up a bone. Clearly he was pleased with himself.

"That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard!" Deidara exclaimed.

"What is the most idiotic thing you have ever heard of?" A bored voice asked. "And Tobi, what is that horrendous outfit you're wearing? It's worse than Sasuke's."

The two Akatsuki members looked up to see Itachi stroll in. Tobi looked offended at Itachi's comment.

"It isn't horrendous, Itachi-san." Tobi informed him indignantly. "It is what Konan-chan should be wearing."

"Why would she wear _that_?" Itachi asked, amused.

"Because Konan-san is a girl, and girls should wear pink," Tobi said matter-of-factly, as though explaining how one plus one equals two to a five-year-old. Itachi just raised his eyebrows impassively.

"I know!" Tobi exclaimed suddenly. "We should all wear pink!"

Itachi immediately lost his amused expression.

"No." He said bluntly.

"Please? Pink would suit Itachi-san!

"No."

"Tobi will read another fairytale."

"…Everyone else has to wear pink as well."

"Okay!"

And so it was that eight Akatsuki members found themselves gathered around Tobi in various pink garments. All the less-than-willing ninja had found some gain in wearing such unusual dress.

Kakuzu was in a pink bunny rabbit costume, and, although he was glowering rather frightfully, he was looking rather pleased with the considerable amount of Tobi's savings that he had acquired in exchange for his dignity.

Itachi had found a pink, flowery dress that he thought suited him. Unfortunately for Itachi, his eyes weren't what they once were…

Deidara was once again bound (with pink rope), and was in a dress that matched Itachi's.

Zetsu had spontaneously grown pink azaleas, and he seemed a little too interested with the flowery pattern on Itachi's and Deidara's dresses. Tobi had appealed to the black side of Zetsu, and had some how managed to convince both sides to dye their Akatsuki cloak pink.

Pein had adamantly refused to wear pink, and so he had been banned from the room by Tobi. He was currently sulking in his office, knowing that he was missing out on a story and contemplating how he could sneak in so that he could listen as well.

Kisame had been threatened by Itachi, and, although no one actually knew what had happened behind the closed door of their shared room, Kisame had walked out wearing pink and looking a lot more nervous than he had when he went in.

Sasori had settled for using a pink, octopus-like puppet that he owned. Tobi had looked confused as to whether this was acceptable or not, but a glance at the many weapons on each of the puppet's tentacles seemed to convince him.

One would have thought that Hidan would have been the hardest person to convince. However Itachi knew differently. All it took was a casual threat as they passed each other in the hallway, and ten minutes later Hidan could be found huddled in the corner wearing a pink tutu with matching ballet shoes, to the amusement of everyone present.

The only missing person, other than Pein, was Konan herself. No one had been able to locate her.

"Tobi, you promised a fairytale," Itachi reminded him. Tobi sighed resignedly - he had hoped to wait for Konan. But he pulled the story book out of his cloak anyway, and flicked through it.

"Hmm…What can Tobi read today? How about Cinderella?"

"What's Cinderella?" Itachi asked, sounding intrigued. In answer, Tobi began to read.

"_Once upon on a time, in a far away kingdom there was __man whose first wife died. He then married the proudest and haughtiest woman in the kingdom, who had two daughters that took after her in every way._

"_The man had a sweet and kind daughter from his first marriage, whom the man's new wife could not bear. The girl's good qualities made her and her daughters seem even more detestable. She ordered the girl to do all the dirty work around the house - the cleaning and the sweeping and the polishing. _

"_She was made to sleep in the attic on a very hard mattress, while her two stepsisters had luxurious rooms with many comforts. Because of her ragged appearance from the hard work and harsh lifestyle, the stepsisters gave her the name Cinderella."_

"Who's going to be Cinderella?" Hidan asked.

"Are you volunteering, Ballet-Boy?" Deidara retorted quickly, with as much dignity as he could muster from his bound position on the floor. Hidan blushed and glared at the blonde.

"Tobi know who Cinderella will be!" Tobi said quickly, before an argument could start. Everyone looked at him expectantly.

"It's…Kisame-sans turn!" He said, after only a brief moment's hesitation. Kisame choked on the air he was breathing.

"Why me?" He complained. "What did I ever do to you, Tobi?"

Tobi shrugged. "At least this means Kisame-san can't be an ugly stepsister," He pointed out. The rest of the Akatsuki, who had breathed a sigh of relief upon not being chosen, all lost their triumphant smirks.

"_The poor girl suffered in silence and did not dare to complain to her father. But __although she had to wear rags and was always grimy, she was still a hundred times more beautiful than her stepsisters, even when they were in their most expensive, magnificent dress."_

"HA!" Kisame shouted, causing a few people to jump. "At least I'm pretty!"

"_It so happened that the king'__s son organised a ball, and sent out the invitations to all the important people in the country. The sister's were delighted when they received their invitations, and spent the upcoming months choosing their clothes and hairstyles that they would wear on the important night."_

"Who are the two stepsisters?" Kisame asked, a bit happier now he knew that he would be prettier than all the other chosen characters.

"How about Deidara and Hidan? They argue like sisters," Sasori suggested. Although Hidan and Deidara seemed outraged by this proposal, and the insult that went with it, no one else seemed to have a problem with it. Tobi nodded in a decisive manner and continued.

"_Because of the ball, Kisame had a lot more work to do. While Deidara and Hidan could talk about nothing else but what they would wear, Kisame had to prepare their clothes as well as do her usual chores. But although __she had to help them and give them advice, she couldn't make any preparations herself, as she wasn't allowed to go."_

"Not so great to be Cinderella now, is it Kisame?" Kakuzu mocked.

"_Hidan and Deidara mocked her for it, teasing and insulting her in all manners. __As the day of the ball got closer and closer, the step-sisters' excitement grew. Finally the evening came, and, after spending the day preparing, Deidara and Hidan departed for the ball, leaving poor Kisame to sit in her raggedy clothes in front of the fireplace. _

"_Kisame began to weep. Konan, her fairy-god-mother, heard this and witnessed the girl's unhappiness. _

"Konan isn't even here, un," Deidara said. Tobi shrugged.

"Deidara-sempai could be the fairy-god-mother as well," Tobi suggested. The withering glare he received from the blonde gave him his answer.

_Kisame sighed __"Oh, how I wish I could go to the ball." Suddenly, in a cloud of purple smoke, Konan appeared behind her. _

"_She said "But you can, Kisame dear, for I am your fairy-god-mother. Now go into the garden and bring me a pumpkin." _

"_Kisame was confused by this instruction, but she obeyed Konan nevertheless. When she returned with the large vegetable, her fairy-god-mother tapped it with her magic wand and it turned into a beautiful golden carriage. _

"_Then Konan found the mousetrap, in which were six live, white mice. She told Kisame to life the trap lid and let the mice out one by one. Kisame did so, and, as each mouse escaped, Konan tapped them with her wand and they turned into lovely horses to draw the carriage. _

"_Then she told Kisame to fetch the rat-trap, and turned the one rat in there into a coachman. _

"_As the coachman took a seat on his carriage, Konan told Kisame to go to the watering can behind the house. "In it you will find six lizards. Bring them to me," Konan told her. _

"_Kisame did so, and as soon as the lizards were tapped with the magic wand they turned into brightly coloured foot men with fine uniforms. _

" "_There you go, Kisame," Konan said, pleased with her work. "Now you can go to the ball in style."_

_Kisame said to Konan, "But fairy-god-mother, __how can I go to the ball dressed like this?" She gestured at her raggedy appearance. _

"_Konan smiled. "Not to worry, my dear," she assured the girl as she tapped her with the magic wand. "You shall have an outfit finer than anyone else in the city."_

"_And as she said this, Kisame's rags changed into a magnificent dress of gold and silver material, embroidered with precious stones. _

"_And then, with one last wave to Konan, Kisame got into her splendid carriage, aided by her six fine footmen, to be driven by her handsome coachman and pulled by her six white horses. But just as she was leaving, her fairy-god-mother gave her one last warning. _

" "_Kisame dear, make sure that you are back before midnight. Because at the twelfth chime of the clock, the spell will break and all of this will disappear."_

"_Kisame assured Konan that she would heed her warning and the coach set off. _

At that moment, Tobi paused as he noticed Pein sneaking into the room wearing a pair of fluffy pink pyjamas. The masked man smirked, but didn't say anything.

"_The Prince, Itachi, was stunned by Kisame's beauty, and he immediately requested a dance. Unfortunately for everyone else at the ball, once Itachi had danced with Kisame, he refused to __dance with anyone else."_

"Oh, no way!" Itachi protested. Tobi ignored him, and Hidan sniggered at both the Uchiha's and Kisame's horrified looks. Deidara thought this was a bit rich considering the ballet costume he was wearing.

"_Kisame was having such a great time with Itachi that she completely forgot about Konan's warning. It wasn't until the clock began to chime that she realised what time it was._

"_She fled the ballroom hurriedly, despite the desperate calls of Itachi for her to return. In her hurry, she left one glass slipper behind, which the prince noticed._

"_He picked it up and announced: "With this slipper I shall find my new bride. The girl whose foot fits this shoe must surely be the lady I danced with, and I will make this woman my bride." _

"_Meanwhile Kisame returned home, dressed once more in her raggedy clothes. When Deidara and Hidan returned, she asked them how the ball went, and primped and preened them and saw them off to bed. Then she returned to in front of the fireplace to cry._

"_Three days later, a knock on the door sounded, and when Kisame opened it she was surprised to see Prince Itachi standing there, holding her glass slipper! The Prince had visited every other house in the kingdom, and had still not found a foot that would fit._

"_She invited him in and called her stepsisters, but was disappointed when he didn't recognise her due to the rags she was wearing. He immediately demanded that everyone in the house try to put the slipper on. _

"_Hidan tried first, but her foot was too fat. In the end, Itachi ended up snatching it back off her. Deidara also attempted to squash her foot into the dainty thing, but her foot was too long. _

"_Prince Itachi turned to Kisame. "What about you?" He asked._

"_The sisters scoffed. "Kisame? Why, she's nothing more than a servant. Besides, she wasn't even at the ball."_

"_But Itachi insisted, and it was with trepidation that Kisame slipped the slipper easily onto her foot. The sisters gaped in shock. _

"_With a poof, Kisame disappeared in a cloud of smoke and re-emerged dressed in the finery that she wore on the night of the ball. The Prince recognised her instantly, and whipped her away to marry her as soon as possible. _

"_And then the coach-man reappeared, and Konan the fairy-god-mother decided that he really was a lovely once-rat, so she named him Pein and married him. _

"_The end."_

"What was that bit at the end?" Pein spluttered. Tobi shrugged.

"Tobi thought that it seemed appropriate. Nice pyjamas, Leader-sama."

Pein blushed. The entire room was silent for a few moments, with no one appearing willing to speak. Then the door to the room creaked open.

Konan emerged from wherever she had been hiding, and walked into the room of men, and plants, dressed in pink. She rubbed her eyes, not quite sure of what she was seeing.

"Erm…did I miss something?"

**A/N: So the bit at the end of Cinderella****, with the PeinKonan pairing, was really random; it was dedicated to ****B****leachUlquiGrimm****, who voted for Konan as Cinderella so that there could be KonanPein pairing. However, Kisame won the votes, so I slipped that pairing in at the end. **

**The next fairytale is The Princess and the Frog, and I was wondering who would like a KonanPein pairing in it? Tell me in your reviews!**


	7. The Princess And The Frog

"_Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess called Konan. The princess loved to sit outside when the weather was fine, and often she could be found playing in the meadows with her colourful ball. _

"_But one day as she was playing, Konan accidentally lost the ball down a well. She rushed over and peered down it, but it was both dark and deep. It seemed as though her ball was lost forever._

"_Just then, a frog jumped out of the well and said "I could get that for you of you like."_

"_The Princess leapt back, startled, before remembering her manners. "Oh, erm, that would be awfully kind of you," she said._

"_The frog winked at her. "I only want a little favour in return," he said, before leaping down the well. _

"_After only a few seconds, the colourful ball flew out of the well, with the frog clambering out after it. The Princess thanked the frog and turned to leave. _

"_But the frog stopped her. "Wait," he called, "have you forgotten the deal? I want something in return."_

"_Konan asked the frog what she could do for him, imagining that he wanted request gold or jewels, or something similar. To her horror, he asked her to kiss him."_

"Ew! That's gross!" One half of Zetsu exclaimed. The other half wrinkled his nose in agreement.

Once more, the entire Akatsuki were gathered around Tobi, who was reading another fairytale. Deidara was, for once, present of his own accord, although he still pretended he hated every moment of it. Tobi glanced up at Zetsu's comment before continuing.

"_Konan refused, and stormed off back to her castle, leaving the frog sitting on the side of the well. She promptly forgot about her unpaid debt. _

"_That evening, as the King and Queen were eating supper, a croaking noise came from outside the dining hall. When the king went to see what was causing it, he saw a frog sitting on the floor. "Please, Your Majesty," said the frog, "I wish to speak with your daughter."_

"_Needless to say, the king was extremely surprised to hear the frog talk, but he let him in. When Konan saw the frog, she leapt up and cried, "Away, accursed creature!"_

"_But the frog simply replied, "I demand payment of your debt."_

"_The King and Queen were confused, and asked the Princess what was going on. When she refused to answer, the frog told them what had happened down by the well. _

"_Upon hearing the tale, the King and Queen agreed that Konan must do as the frog asked. Reluctantly, she kissed him._

"_But as soon as she did so, a puff of smoke surrounded the two. When the smoke cleared, instead of the frog was a handsome prince!" _

Tobi would have continued reading, but an excited and very feminine sounding squeal from Pain stopped him. Pain blushed as the rest of the Akatsuki turned to look at him, and gestured Tobi to continue.

"_The frog, who was actually a prince called Pain," _Tobi said, shooting a sly look at his leader, _"explained that he had been the son of a rich king before an evil witch cast a spell on him. The spell could only be broken by a princess's kiss. _

"_The princess fell in love with the prince as soon as she saw his true form, and the two were married the next day. _

"_And now it is said that every frog you see is a prince under an enchantment, just waiting for their princess to kiss them."_

Tobi looked up from the book to see the Akatsuki with tears in their eyes. Even Deidara looked touched by the story.

"That was beautiful," Pain sniffed. The rest of the Akatsuki agreed. "And just think," He continued, "all those poor princes stuck as frogs…"

Suddenly Tobi leapt up. "Leader-sama!" He exclaimed. "We should save them!"

Nine ninja crept around the bushes outside the Leaf Village, waiting for the gates to open. Only Kisame was missing from the group; he had been deployed to collect frogs from a nearby river.

They all remained utterly still in their various hiding places, barely even fidgeting when a group of three ninja strode out and came walking towards them. Pain raised his arm, the signal, when he saw one of them was kunoichi, and the other Akatsuki members leapt from the trees.

Ino, Shikamaru and Choji didn't know what hit them when. Within a few minutes, Choji and Shikamaru were out cold, and Ino was bound and gagged.

Ino struggled to free herself, but the ropes were too tight. She looked up fearfully at Pain, who clapped his hands dramatically and called out: "Kisame! Bring the frogs!"

Kisame walked forwards carrying a bright red bucket. He grinned happily as he pulled out the first victim - a worried-looking green toad.

"That's a toad, Kisame," Itachi commented.

"It doesn't matter," Pain said impatiently. "Un-gag the Princess!"

Kakuzu removed the wad of cloth from Ino's mouth, and the confused girl immediately began babbling.

"I think you're mistaken," Ino said hurriedly. "I'm not a princess, and I don't want to kiss some slimy toad!"

"Neither did the princess in the story!" Tobi exclaimed excitedly. "That proves it. She _must_ be the princess!"

Kisame pushed the toad to Ino's lips and pulled it away again. Ino coughed and spluttered, chanting "ew, ew, ew," while the Akatsuki watched the toad with suspense.

Nothing happened.

"It didn't work," Itachi finally said, disappointed. "I told you it needed to be a frog."

"There must be a frog in here somewhere," Kisame said. "She can just kiss all of them until we find one."

Eleven amphibians later, a disgusted Ino and a disappointed Akatsuki found themselves looking at an empty bucket.

"Maybe she just isn't princess enough…" Hidan commented, as they walked away, leaving a struggling Ino tied to a tree. "Perhaps we should try someone else."


	8. Little Red Riding Hood

**Dedicated to Megaphone. Kills. You who drew me an awesome picture for this story! http : / / deathnotebb. deviantart. com/# d42fp3i (Remove the spaces)**

**Beta: The awesome chronicxxinsanity**

* * *

><p>"Pein-sama, I… uh, don't think this is a good idea, un," Deidara said, as he looked at the baby he was holding with outstretched arms as though it was going to explode. "Why are we doing this again?"<p>

"Our finances are low," Pein replied, ignoring the three-year-old attempting to clamber from his shoulder to the top of his head. "It was Kakuzu's idea to set up a daycare."

"Who the hell would trust _us _with their children?" Hidan asked.

"They didn't," Itachi said in monotone. "We stole them."

"Come again?" Hidan asked.

"These are all children from wealthy and influential families. We left a note demanding large sums of money in return for their children, safe and uninjured."

"So when you said day care, un," Deidara said suspiciously, "you actually mean these kids were kidnapped for ransom?"

"Pretty much," Pein said, as a not-so-cute blonde girl stuck her finger up his left nostril. Deidara snorted, which turned into a shriek of pain as a small boy to decided that his ponytail was a good substitute for a swing.

"Who would _want_ these monsters back?" Kisame growled as three children clambered all over him.

Pein shrugged. "Their parents, hopefully."

Deidara, finally having got hold of the child swinging on his hair, held the kid upside down by his ankles and looked at it in disgust as it giggled happily. "What are we supposed to do with them, un? I don't like kids."

Several pairs of eyes turned to Tobi, who had about ten toddlers sitting in a circle and was playing duck-duck-goose with them. "How about we just lock them in a room and leave them?" Itachi suggested. The Akatsuki paused to consider this idea.

"No!" Konan exclaimed. "That's horrible. What you need is a way to entertain them." Besides Tobi, she was the one who had the children around her most under control. "Why don't you get Tobi to read them a story?"

* * *

><p>"<em>There was once a sweet little maid who lived with her father and mother in a pretty little cottage at the edge of the village. At the further end of the woosd was another pretty cottage and in it lived her grandmother."<em>

Tobi sat on a stool, with every single kidnapped child gathered around him, watching with wide eyes.

"_Everybody loved this little girl, her grandmother perhaps loved her most of all and gave her a great many pretty things. Once she gave her a red cloak with a hood which she always wore, so people called her Little Red Riding Hood."_

At this point, Itachi came wandering onto the space in front of the assembled children. But it was not Itachi as he usually was. Instead of wearing an Akatsuki cloak, he was dressed in a red, hooded cape and carried a basket on his right arm. His hair had been braided into pigtails and a crown made of flowers sat atop his head. He glared at the children in the audience, who all started giggling as soon as he emerged.

Behind him came Deidara, wearing a flowery dress. He also looked very unhappy. _"Put on your things and go to see your grandmother,_" he told Itachi in a high-pitched, falsely-feminine voice._ "She has been ill; take along some eggs, butter and cake, and other dainties."_

Both "actors" turned to glare at Tobi as he continued narrating happily.

"_It was a bright and sunny morning. Red Riding Hood was so happy that at first she wanted to dance through the woods. All around her grew pretty wild flowers which she loved so well and she stopped to pick a bunch for her grandmother."_

Deidara had disappeared off the makeshift stage. Itachi bent over and pretended to pick flowers and put them in his basket. While he had his back turned, Hidan, dressed in a wolf costume, crept up on him.

Well, perhaps the word "costume" was not entirely accurate. But he had ears and a tale, and the children certainly realized who he was as they burst into applause when they saw him.

"_Good mo__rning, Little Red Riding Hood," _Hidan said, in a creepy, wolf-like voice. _"What have you in that basket?"_

"_Eggs and butter and cake, Mr. Wolf," _Itachi replied, his eye twitching with the indignity of speaking in such a high-pitched tone.

"_Where are you going with them?"_Hidan said, trying not to laugh at the humiliated Uchiha.

"_I am going to my grandmother, who is ill, Mr. Wolf."_

"_Where does your grandmother live, Little Red Riding Hood?"_

"_Along that path, past the wild rose bushes, then through the gate at the end of the wood, Mr. Wolf."_

Then Hidan gave a creepy smile and disappeared off the stage. Tobi continued his narration.

"_The wolf was very eager for a taste of Little Red's grandmother," _Tobi informed the children, _"and so he made it his mission to find her little hut. After walking for a few minutes, he saw it at the end of the path. He hurried towards it. _

"_At last he reached the porch covered with flowers and knocked at the door of the cottage."_

Konan and Pein quickly rushed on stage with what was probably supposed to be a picture of the front of the cottage. Luckily, the kids had active imaginations (and had already heard the story before) so they got the idea.

"_Who is there?"_ called a falsely high-pitched voice from behind the paper.

"_Little Red Riding Hood," _said Hidan, posing as the wicked wolf.

"_Press the latch, open the door, and walk in_," said the "grandmother"_._

Hidan pushed open the flap of paper that was the door to reveal Kakuzu lying on a sleeping bag (that was supposed to be a bed) in a flowery nightdress. He wondered for a moment where all these female garments were coming from, as he was pretty sure Konan didn't own anything of the sort. Then he put it out of his mind.

He leapt at Kakuzu and shoved him off the side of the stage, while Tobi narrated what was supposed to be happening.

"_The wolf pressed the latch, and walked in where the grandmother lay in bed. He made one jump at her, but she jumped out of bed into a closet. Then the wolf put on the cap which she had dropped and crept under the bedclothes."_

There was a moments pause as Hidan realised he needed Kakuzu's costume and had to leap off the "stage" after him to retrieve the clothes. Then he was back, and the play continued as normal.

"_In a short while Little Red Riding Hood knocked at the door, and walked in,"_ Tobi continued. Itachi appeared at the front of the "cottage".

"_Good morning, Grandmother, I have brought you eggs, butter and cake, and here is a bunch of flowers I gathered in the wood__s," _Itachi said. He approached the bed and then, in a terrible display of acting, added,_ "What big ears you have, Grandmother."_

"_All the better to hear you with, my dear," _Hidan said in a high-pitched voice that was even more fake than Itachi's.

"_What__ big eyes you have, Grandmother," _Itachi said, taking another step.

"_All the better to see you with, my dear."_

"_But, Grandmother, what a big nose you have."_

"_All the better to smell with, my dear."_

"_But, Grandmother, what a big mouth you have."_

"_All the better to eat you up with, my dear," _Hidan said, leaping out of bed at Itachi. Itachi let out an almost-believable scream.

Tobi started speaking again. "_Just at that moment, Little Red Riding Hood's father was passing the cottage and heard her yells. He rushed in with his axe and-"_

As he spoke, Kisame rushed in with an actual axe that they'd found in the kitchen the other day. Because isn't that where everyone keeps axes?

He charged at Hidan and swung the weapon.

"_-__ chopped off Mr. Wolf's head." _Tobi finished.

This is where it went wrong. Kisame had not _actually _been briefed by Tobi, as he'd been busy retrieving the axe. Because of this, he'd neglected to be informed that he wasn't supposed to _really _cut off Hidan's head. So instead of pretending to kill the "wolf", he swung his axe with such force that Hidan's head went flying off in one clean sweep.

The children were not expecting this. They didn't notice that Hidan was still talking (or, rather, swearing angrily at Kisame). Instead, almost all of them shrieked and burst into tears, either sitting there and crying hysterically or leaping up and racing out of the room.

"After the children!" Konan yelled, charging out of the room after the runaways. Tobi continued reading, seemingly unaware of the chaos around him. And Hidan… well, he was very unhappy when a curious little boy decided there was nothing very scary about the talking head and thought it might be fun to poke it.

They never kidnapped children again after that.


	9. How The Grinch Stole Christmas

"No, Kisame-san! The star has to go right on top. You'll have to reach higher!"

Kisame grumbled something about masked idiots, but nevertheless stretched on his tippy-toes (a sight worth seeing) to get the star so that it was the highest it could be.

Finally it fitted on, and Tobi clapped with excitement as the Akatsuki surveyed their handiwork.

"Not bad," Itachi said. "It would look better if we turned the lights on though…"

Tobi skipped over to the power point and flicked the switch. The entire Akatsuki sighed with wonder as they fairy-lights cast a multicoloured glow around the room.

"It's almost artistic," Deidara commented.

"Yes," Sasori agreed. "Even if it isn't eternal."

Tobi skipped back over to where the rest of the Akatsuki were looking approvingly at the newly decorated, brightly lit, shining, covered-in-tinsel, Christmas…Zetsu?

"Zetsu-san makes a good Christmas tree!" Tobi squealed. Zetsu's black side beamed at the praise; his white side just grumbled.

"Don't be like that, Zetsu-san!" Tobi exclaimed. "Christmas trees are traditional!"

"Are stories traditional?" Hidan asked eagerly. Tobi nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh yes! Tobi should tell one!"

In a flash the Akatsuki were gathered around the roaring open fire (it was snowing outside, and even criminals need to be warm).

"Wait just a moment!" Tobi said, dashing out of the room. Everyone waited expectantly for his return.

They were not disappointed. Moments later, Tobi raced back into the room in a full Santa suit, complete with a fake round belly and a beard that was taped to his mask.

"Everyone ready?" Tobi asked. "Who wants to hear about how the Grinch stole Christmas?"

"Who's the Grinch?" Pein asked, more eagerly than was befitting for such a renowned leader of an international gang of criminals. Tobi paused to think.

"That would probably be…Kakuzu!" He exclaimed. Kakuzu glared. Tobi ignored him, and began to read.

"_Every Who Down In Who-ville Like Christmas a lot...  
>But The Grinch, Who lived just North of Who-ville, Did NOT!"<em>

"I thought the Grinch was Kakuzu?" Konan pointed out. Tobi nodded his head, almost detaching his beard.

"_Kakuzu hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!  
>Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.<br>It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.  
>It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.<br>But I think that the most likely reason of all  
>May have been that his heart was two sizes too small." <em>

"That's not right!" Deidara said. He was much more willing to be "subjected" to fairy tales than he once had been. "Kakuzu has heaps of hearts!"

"Maybe all of them are too small?" Tobi said.

"_But, Whatever the reason,  
>His hearts or his shoes,<br>He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the Whos,  
>Staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown<br>At the warm lighted windows below in their town.  
>For he knew every Who down in Who-ville beneath<br>Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath. _

_"And they're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.  
>"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"<br>Then he growled, with his grinch fingers nervously drumming,  
>"I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming!" <em>

"No!" Kisame exclaimed. "He can't stop Christmas!"

Itachi stared at his partner until the shark blushed. "What?" Kisame said defensively. "Don't you want presents too?"

"_For, tomorrow, he knew...  
>...All the Who girls and boys<br>Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!  
>And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!<br>That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! _

"_Then the Whos, young and old, would sit down to a feast.  
>And they'd feast! And they'd feast!<br>And they'd FEAST!  
>FEAST!<br>FEAST!  
>FEAST!<br>They would start on Who-pudding, and rare Who-roast-beast  
>Which was something the Grinch couldn't stand in the least!"<em>

Zetsu's stomach rumbled audibly. Deidara, who was sitting nearest to the "Christmas tree" and knew only too well of the plant's eating tendencies, edged away warily.

"_And THEN  
>They'd do something<br>He liked least of all!  
>Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,<br>Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.  
>They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Whos would start singing! <em>

"_They'd sing! And they'd sing!  
>AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!<br>And the more Kakuzu thought of the Who-Christmas-Sing  
>he more Kakuzu thought, "I must stop this whole thing!<br>"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!  
>I MUST stop Christmas from coming!<br>...But HOW?" _

"_Then he got an idea!  
>An awful idea!<br>KAKUZU  
>GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!" <em>

"What was it? What was it?" Hidan and Konan chanted. The rest of the Akatsuki leaned forwards, wanting to hear what came next

_"I know just what to do!" Kakuzu laughed in his throat.  
>And he made a quick Santa Claus hat and a coat.<br>And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Grinchy trick!  
>"With this coat and this hat, I'll look just like Saint Nick!" <em>

"Just like Tobi!" Deidara exclaimed. "Tobi? Are you the Grinch?"

_"All I need is a reindeer..."  
>Kakuzu looked around.<br>But since reindeer are scarce, there was none to be found.  
>Did that stop old Kakuzu...?<br>No! Kakuzu simply said,  
>"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"<br>So he called his dog Max. Then he took some red thread  
>And he tied a big horn on top of his head. <em>

"Who's Max?" Itachi asked. Tobi stroked his beard as he thought.

"Hmm…" The masked man mused. "I think it should be…Pein-sama!"

"_THEN  
>He loaded some bags<br>And some old empty sacks  
>On a ramshakle sleigh<br>And he hitched up old Max."_

"I thought it was Pein?" Deidara asked.

"It is. But I have to call him Max or it doesn't rhyme! And rhyming is important!"

"_Then Kakuzu said, "Giddyap!"  
>And the sleigh started down<br>Toward the homes where the Whos  
>Lay a-snooze in their town. <em>

_All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.  
>All the Whos were all dreaming sweet dreams without care<br>When he came to the first house in the square.  
>"This is stop number one," Kakuzu-Claus hissed<br>And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist. _

"Kakuzu? How could you?" Konan turned to the "Grinch" with tears in her eyes. "Think of all those poor Whos!"

_Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.  
>But if Santa could do it, then so could the Grinch.<br>He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.  
>Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue<br>Where the little Who stockings all hung in a row.  
>"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!" <em>

_Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,  
>Around the whole room, and he took every present!<br>Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!  
>Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!<br>And he stuffed them in bags. Then Kakuzu, very nimbly,  
>Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!"<em>

"You seem very well practised at this," Itachi commented suspiciously at Kakuzu. "I hope it wasn't you who took my hair straighteners."

"It's just a story!" Kakuzu exclaimed. Then he paused. "…Wait, you use hair straighteners?"

Itachi didn't notice Konan averting her eyes at the false accusation.

"_Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Whos' feast!  
>He took the Who-pudding! He took the roast beast!<br>He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.  
>Why, that Grinch even took their last can of Who-hash!"<em>

"Not the Who-hash!" Hidan cried, regardless of the fact he didn't even know what that was.

"_Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.  
>"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will stuff up the tree!" <em>

Zetsu flinched. "Please be gentle with me," he pleaded with Kakuzu.

"_And Kakuzu grabbed Zetsu, and he started to shove  
>When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.<br>He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!  
>Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two."<em>

"Who's Cindy-Lou?" Deidara asked.

"You are, Deidara-sempai!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Why me…?" The blonde moaned.

"_Kakuzu had been caught by this little Who daughter  
>Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.<br>She stared at Kakuzu and said, "Santy Claus, why,  
>"Why are you taking our Christmas tree? WHY?" <em>

_But, you know, that Kakuzu was so smart and so slick  
>He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!<br>"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus lied,  
>"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.<br>"So I'm taking it home to my workshop, my dear.  
>"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here." <em>

"Kakuzu! How could you lie to Deidara like that!" Pein exclaimed, leaping forwards and covering the bomber's ears. "Don't listen to the horrible Grinch, little Who!"

Pein barely leaped back in time as an explosion went of near where his hand had been. Deidara yelled as his ear was caught partially in the blast, but Tobi ignored this and continued reading as though nothing had happened.

"_And his fib fooled Deidara. Then he patted her head  
>And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.<br>And when Deidara went to bed with her cup,  
>He went to the chimney and stuffed Zetsu up! <em>

_Then the last thing he took  
>Was the log for their fire.<br>Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.  
>On their walls he left nothing but hooks, and some wire.<br>And the one speck of food  
>That he left in the house<br>Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse."_

"Poor mouse…" Sasori commented. His comment was backed up by a heart-wrenching sob from Itachi.

"_Then  
>He did the same thing<br>To the other Whos' houses  
>Leaving crumbs Much too small<br>For the other Whos' mouses! _

_It was quarter past dawn...  
>All the Whos, still a-bed<br>All the Whos, still a-snooze  
>When he packed up his sled,<br>Packed it up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!  
>The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!"<em>

"How cruel, Kakuzu."

The entire Akatsuki was glaring at Kakuzu now. "Don't look at me like that!" He protested. "It's just a story!"

"It might be just that to you," Konan told him sternly. "But to all those poor Whos out there, this is their _Chrismas_!"

"_Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,  
>He rode to the tiptop to dump it!<br>"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.  
>"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!<br>"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!  
>"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two<br>"The all the Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!" _

"You had better make this right!" Itachi told Kakuzu threateningly. The "Grinch" pretended without much success that he wasn't intimidated.

_"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,  
>"That I simply must hear!"<br>So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear.  
>And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.<br>It started in low. Then it started to grow... _

_But the sound wasn't sad!  
>Why, this sound sounded merry!<br>It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY! _

_He stared down at Who-ville!  
>The Grinch popped his eyes!<br>Then he shook!  
>What he saw was a shocking surprise! <em>

_Every Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,  
>Was singing! Without any presents at all!<br>He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!  
>IT CAME!<br>Somehow or other, it came just the same!"_

The Akatsuki let out a cheer, and Zetsu started dancing around the room, his decorative bells jingling.

"_And Kakuzu, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,  
>Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?<br>It came without ribbons! It came without tags!  
>"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"<br>And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.  
>Then Kakuzu thought of something he hadn't before!<br>"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.  
>"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" <em>

_And what happened then...?  
>Well...in Who-ville they say<br>That Kakuzu's small hearts  
>Grew three sizes that day!<br>And the minute his hearts didn't feel quite so tight,  
>He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light<br>And he brought back the toys!  
>And the food for the feast! And he..."<em>

Tobi paused dramatically. Everyone leaned forwards in their chairs until they were leaning so far forwards that both Deidara and Hidan fell off at the same time.

"_...HE HIMSELF...!  
>The Grinch carved the roast beast!"<em>

Tobi closed the book with a snap, and everyone cheered. Then Tobi stood up and pulled from under the chair (don't ask how it fitted under there, no one actually knows) a brown sack bulging with presents.

"And another thing that's traditional is Santa giving everyone presents!" Tobi exclaimed to the delight of the Akatsuki. He pulled open the sack and pulled out a parcel.

"This one says "to Kakuzu"."

The parcel looked suspiciously square and small, and when Kakuzu pulled off the wrapping, a small wad of money sat in his hand. The rest of the Akatsuki looked rather unimpressed, but Kakuzu, overwhelmed with emotion, swept Tobi up in a choking hug that Itachi had to rescue him from before the masked idiot expired from lack of oxygen.

"And this one's for Deidara-Sempai!"

No one was surprised when a lump of clay was revealed.

"Hey, Tobi, didn't you steal this from me last week?"

For Pein were some clip-on earrings to "brighten up his appearance". Tobi then insisted that he put them on. Konan couldn't hold back her hysterics when she saw the metal flowers dangling from Pein's ears.

Konan received paper, which she promised to cherish, and add to the thousands of sheets she already had.

Sasori received a hand-puppet to add to his collection.

Itachi was so touched to receive a photo album of pictures of Sasuke that he threatened to castrate anyone who went near it.

Kisame was "thrilled" to receive a fish tank.

Hidan, ever the difficult person to buy for, got a gift basket of Jashin-symbol-shaped cookies.

Zetsu got a bottle of liquid plant fertiliser.

And Tobi, according to himself, got the best present of all: A hand-painted picture of the Akatsuki and a promise from Konan that it would go up on the fridge.


End file.
